


the excelent tf2 storey colection of good original storeys

by smalldad (logoleptic)



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Comedy, F/F, F/M, Gen, Humor, M/M, Multi, Other, Parody, Satire, Sexy Times
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-19
Updated: 2015-02-21
Packaged: 2018-02-26 07:29:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2643368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/logoleptic/pseuds/smalldad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a collection of Good, Original and Funny tf2 oneshots featuring all ur favs, including smoky french boy, loud boston kid, dirty piss man, fat idiot sandwich baby, flighty glasses girl and more :) ratings may vary</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the 10th class

**Author's Note:**

> the following chapters are a series of non-sequitur, satirical oneshots aimed at parodying and lampooning common tropes/ridiculous situations in the tf2 fandom. ratings vary from t to low m ;o) enjoy!

 

"hm." generic american white late-teenaged girl smirked, sitting pretzel-legged on her bed with her laptop on tumblr in her room that was liberally adorned with Christmas lights. "so some team called red team is hiring. they say they need a male. i am not male but who cares." she got off the bed and went downstairs. "hi mom" she said in a cute girl-next-door way. then she remembered that her parents had died in a tragic motorcycle accident 17 years ago right after she was born. very tragic and bloody accident that scarred her for life but also left her cool, tough, and sensitive

"oh my mom and dad is dead. oops" she said cutely and sexily. "i guess i'll apply for red now. bye grandma." unfortunately, grandma had died in the motorcycle accident too, as she was the one driving it. stupid fucking grandma, what the hell was she doing driving a motorcycle on the freeway with three people on it? and i'm beginning to think this girl has alzheimer's. at any rate, she went to the place to meet up with ms. pauling. you know,  _the_  place.

"we wanted a man," ms. pauling said plainly and stupidly because she's plain and stupid and gets in the way

"well—"

"whatever, welcome aboard" she said, shaking the girls' small, dainty, and cute hand.

"haha thanks," teenage girl said, her long, silky auburn hair flowing awesomely through the wind.

"i love your hair," ms. pauling whimpered lesbianly, running her jealously grubby hand through girl's amazing hair

"haha thanks," teenage girl said, whipping out her iphone 6 and instagramming a selfie with ms. pauling, putting the caption "bestiiieeessss !(:" followed by 18 emojis as they walked towards the bus that would take them to the red base.

~xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX~

"does anyone have an iphone charger?" girl asked cutely. thousands of instagram likes and comments began piling up on her selfie with ms. pauling as she walked into the team common room, pissed off at the fucking shitty battery life on her plebeian phone. moral of the story: samsung galaxy master race bitches

"scuse me? wot th' bloody hell's an oiphoan?" sniper asked australianly, looking up from the tv. he stopped in his tracks, taken by her absolute beauty and grace.

"a who-dang-diddle-dong-wut, now?" engineer asked stupidly because he's from the south. he looked up and his goggle-less eyes were instantly enamored with the sight of the beautiful young woman in front of him. she giggled a lil

"an i. phone. it's a cellular telephone, which is a phone that can make and receive telephone calls over a radio link while moving around a wide geographic area. it does so by connecting to a cellular network provided by a mobile phone operator, allowing access to the public telephone network," she said intelligently

"m-m-m-may ah?" engineer stammered nervously, intimidated by her intelligence and beauty while sticking his gloved hand out. "a-ah'm a enginee-ur, and ah lahke technawlgee"

"sure" she said silkily, saucily handing him the iphone. his face lit up like The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, which is a worldwide symbol of the holidays in New York City. The 2014 Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree will be lit for the first time on Wednesday, December 3 with live performances from 7–9 PM, at Rockefeller Plaza, between West 48th and West 51st Streets and Fifth and Sixth Avenues. Tens of thousands will crowd the sidewalks for the event and hundreds of millions will watch it live across the globe. The Tree will remain lit and can be viewed until 8pm on January 7th, 2015.

"who there" breathed heavy dumbly, looking up from his kindergarten-level picture book.

"misha" she laughed, hands over her mouth in shock.

"raven ebony apple zoey petunia the third" he cried happily, wrapping her in a bone-crushing hug. luckily, she drank a lot of milk as a child and had strong bones

"excuse me? vho is zis?" medic asked jealously. then he lowered his glasses and nearly came at the sight of of the blessed heavenly beauty in front of him. but he hid it well, because he definitely used to be a gay nazi and was used to hiding things. i say he was a gay nazi as a shallow attempt at characterizing the medic and also because i don't know anything about the third reich

"my cousin," heavily laughed uproariously, slapping his knee. "cousin, let us go bowling"

"not now, roman," she laughed in an eastern-european, hitman-like manner. the scout nervously swaggered up to her.

"a-a-a-a-ah, do you has a boyfriend?" scout asked shyly but hotly.

"mmmm no," she said with a shy and coy smirk. "what makes you so confident to think you have a chance with the likes of me?" she said, pouting her lips a lil bit and giving him a saucy and cute come-hither look

"duh" scout duh'd, at a loss for words. who needed ms. pauling when you had raven ebony apple zoey petunia the third?

the demoman looked up from his bottle of alcohol and said nothing because he was too deeply in love with raven and that's my excuse for not writing about the demoman. in reality nobody really gives a shit about him

"maggots that is a girl. girl can't fight" soldier screamed so loud he tore his own stupid vocal cords

"mmph huddah huh" pyro said. people think the pyro is like a cute inanimate object but they don't actually care about it so i'm just going to conveniently leave it out and refer to it as an 'it'

"..." said the spy sexily and silently, lazily blowing smoke out through his nostrils like a nicotine-addicted french lizard. he made sultry, hot eye contact with raven but said nothing.

"well guys, thanks for welcoming me. off to my room," raven giggled amidst the commotion, brushing her long, silky chestnut hair behind her cute small ear.

"what is it you are doing 'ere?" spy asked suddenly and mysteriously, glaring at her. she turned around dramatically.

"i'm the tenth class," she said with a friendly, happy smile

"and zhat would be?" he asked fiercely, blowing a smoke cloud in the shape of the eiffel towel

"the random," she smiled epically, holding up her uniform. with that, she left for her room as the entire living room stood there in stunned silence…

~xXxXxXxXxXxcXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX~

"huddah huh" pyro said as it cooked dinner in the kitchen for the mercenaries in the dining room. you'd think red would fucking be able to afford a cook or two. but no, pyro always cooked because who gives a shit about the pyro

"hi guys!" raven said brightly, appearing in the dining room in her new uniform. the entire room stopped talking to look at her silently, taking in her ethereal, blessed beauty. on her graceful head sat a cute chullo with a question mark knitted into it, her gorgeous amber hair flowing from underneath. she wore light, beautiful, youthful, natural makeup that accentuated her beautiful facial features. her flawless, slender, curvy body and pale, blemish-free skin were complemented with a red, form-fitting, athletic nike™ shirt paired with black nike™ spandex compression shorts. on the sleeves of her shirt were yellow, encircled question marks. around her neck was a dogtag necklace with the names of her dead parents and dead grandma. she wore long, cutely-patterned, mismatched red knee-high socks with cool red hi-top chuck taylor converse™ sneakers. per her dress code, she wore two black sweatbands around her wrists, one with an apple™ logo and one with a picture of al gore™'s face for good luck.

"whugmgompf, y-you look beuatfal," scout spluttered, spewing his verbal diarrhea everywhere.

"embarrass yourself le more, why do you not," spy rolled his eyes frenchly. little did scout know that spy was equally enamored with her sheer classic beauty and had already vowed to make her his

"maggots that is a woman. we cannot have a maggot female on the maggot team. i am a mens rights activist and this is bad news," solider mouthed because he ripped his vocal cords earlier due to his own idiocy. nobody heard him and nobody cared about his stupid invalid opinions

"yew look goahjus," sniper said in a huskily smooth australian outback way, getting up and wrapping his wiry arms around her from behind. she giggled as she inhaled his heady scent of dirt and piss, but the other team members were not so amused

"get tiny stupid baby hands off of cousin," heavy roared, angrily shattering a window with his meaty hamfist.

"o-o-okay, soarry mate," sniper said, his tiny hands thrown in the air defensively

"dhnnr's rhhdy" called pyro from the kitchen

"mmm heck yeah can't wait for pahro's down-home-stahyle cornbreayud 'n' gritz. just likes mah momma used to makes," engineer chuckled, sucking his thumb in anticipation.

"hhrhh crbrhebbd" pyro said proudly, emerging from the kitchen in a full formal chef's uniform and placing the freshly-baked cornbread loaf on the table. pyro was wearing oven mitts even though its gloves were already fucking fireproof. it doesn't matter because oven mitts are cute and the pyro always has to be cute because i can't characterize the pyro as anything other than cute

" _ **karnbraAaahd**_ " yelled engineer savagely as he almost gave himself a stroke. he instantly began viciously clawing up the hot, sweet cornbread from the baking dish and shoveling it into his huge, salivating mouth. eventually he stopped trying that and just mashed his entire face into the cornbread plate like the fucking wild uncivilized texan animal he really was. his hardhat fell off his head and rolled onto the floor as he made loud, feral grunts and violently lapped up every molecule of cornbread he could. raven giggled cutely and gently rubbed the engineer's back in a fun-loving way. he suddenly stopped and looked up, bits of the spongy yellow cornbread slowly falling off his face and onto the table as he stared at the apple of his eye.

"oopsh," he said embarrassedly, bits of moist, spit-coated cornbread flying out of his mouth and hitting raven in the face. she giggled again as he blushed.

"oh, it's okay," she assured with a perfect smile, wiping the crumbs off her smooth cheek and whipping out her iphone 6 and instagramming the cornbread carcass on the table. 'someone sure was hungry! :D' she put as her caption, followed by 23 slightly-relevant emojis. instantly, the likes and comments poured in.

"how d'ya get so many likes and comments on instagram?" scout asked in an impressed and fascinated way, digging into his freshly-served dinner along with everyone else as he sat next to raven. absolutely nobody touched the cornbread.

"ah, i don't know," she shrugged modestly. "i mean, i really don't. i'm not all that pretty, or smart. my parents died right after i was born, so i raised myself, pretty much," she sighed prettily, eating a small bite of her dinner.

"that's amazin'. how many followers you got?" he asked, suddenly familiar with the concept of social media

"oh, i don't keep count…"

"ah, c'mon, it's okay, you can tell me."

"oh…just a hundred million, or so. i don't know who would follow me, or why. just how it is," she shrugged with a small, humble smile. scout dropped his fork in amazement

"whoa, a hundred mil? that's friggin' fuckin' wicked," he said, instinctively putting his arm around her. sparks flew as his arm touched her shoulder, and they instantly met eyes.

"thanks," she said with an adorable smile, tilting her head as her smooth locks fell over her shoulder.

"get your stupid baby hand off of—"

"oh, it's okay, heavy," raven giggled. "hehe, he's being nice to me"

at this, heavy growled fiercely but complied, glaring at the scout and angrily shoveling food into his fat slavic trap. the rest of the dinner was eaten in relative silence. as the team filed out and left the pyro to do the countless filthy dishes, scout walked with raven around the base, carrying her on his shoulders and showing her around.

"aaaaand dis is da showah," he said, gesturing to the showers

"thanks," she said, sitting on his shoulders because she was so light and cute and happy and beautiful. she sniffed herself and smelled like honey lavender with a hint of jasmine and mint.

"ew, i think i need a shower," she said, pouting

"ah, haha, well, ah, if yous need a partner…" scout stammered, rubbing the back of his neck.

"it's okay," she giggled coquettishly, gracefully dismounting and gently patting his arm. "i can do it myself, silly." scout's face turned beet red.

"ahaha, ah, okay, if yous says so. have a good showah," he said awkwardly, walking backwards down the hall.

"thaanks!~" she called out, waving after him like an anime character as her hair flowed in the wind. she walked into the shower room and shyly disrobed, revealing her milky white skin and supple, pert breasts. she turned the water on and let it wash over her skin and cleanse her body. with the water running, she hadn't heard footsteps enter the room. she opened her mouth and began beautifully singing the opening aria from the french opera "carmen", which is like the only opera piece people know. yes, that one. that dramatic one automatically playing in your head right now. the one you hear in commercials. that's the one.

" _L'amour est un oiseau rebelle, Que nul ne peut apprivoiser, Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle, S'il lui convient de refuser, Rien n'y fait, menace ou prière,_ " she sang deliciously, the lilting notes reverberating throughout the shower room. the spy stood, magically transfixed by his native language so gorgeous-sounding. he simply had wanted to take a shower, but as an opera aficionado, he'd never heard the most popular and beautiful aria from carmen so beautifully sung before, especially not by such a beautiful and perfect woman.

" _L'un parle bien, l'autre se tait, Et c'est l'autre que je préfère; Il n'a rien dit mais il me plaît,"_  she sang, her voice like auditory silk that caressed the spy's masked ears. he simply couldn't take it anymore.

" _Si tu ne m'aimes pas, Si tu ne m'aimes pas, je t'aime; Prends garde à toi,_ " he sang back, his rich melted butter baritone voice mixing with her clear bell mezzo-soprano as they harmonized flawlessly. she stopped, her beautiful heterochromic eyes going wide. she flung the curtain open to see the spy, his strong and manly body completely wet and naked and singing opera at her.

"oh goodness," she breathed with a divine smile, her beautifully milky pale skin dripping with hot water and becoming flushed as steam billowed out from behind her.

 _she looks like a heavenly angel,_ thought the spy, _all she is missing is her wings._

he slowly approached her in the shower and they made sweet, wet, sensual, heavenly french love all night long. hon hon hOn

~XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx~

"ready set go" called the administrator, releasing the teams from their spawn rooms in the map ctf_2fort. as they all went off to do shit, raven ran with them and began impressing them all over again. she ran side-by-side with the scout, sticking her tongue out at him and surpassing him as he ran headfirst into a pole and crumpled to the ground. that caused severe brain hemorrhaging and he didn't get up, so he eventually just died

the engineer had run out of metal to build another sentry, so much to his delight, raven ran up and upgraded his mini-sentry to a level-three with one hit. they smiled at each other as she ran off to set more enemies on fire with her sniper rifle.

"she may be a beautiful heavenly angel but surely she cannot surpass me in spy things," spy said to himself at normal volume, standing completely still in the middle of the map. immediately the other team's scout whizzed by, strafing wildly. in seconds, raven had her knife in his back with a cheery smile on her face.

"ran fast died virgin," she giggled, off to plant a sticky trap. spy totes heart-eye emoji'd and fell in love with her, like...x10. what a babe

"i'm bored as shit and i act as nothing but a plot device, so for ten seconds i'm turning off…respawn," laughed the administrator. everyone suddenly stopped moving and stood still, but raven hadn't noticed the blu sniper's bullet hurtling towards her chest. as the bullet pierced her angelic skin and embedded itself in her heart, she keeled over gracefully and beautifully, hitting the ground silently. the entire time crowded around her quietly as raindrops began falling from the sky. the scout took his hat off and began choking back tears. in fact, everyone was choking back tears. even the administrator. even gray mann.

one of the spy's lone, golden french tears fell from his sky-blue eyes and onto raven's pale, smooth cheek. instantly, the sky parted to reveal columns of heavenly sunlight. eight angels descended from heaven and carried raven up into the sky. the spy cleared his throat and began singing.

" _in zhe aaaaaarms ooooof an aaaangel,_ " he began, his baritone voice evoking an outpouring of emotions from everyone on the field.

" _floi awaaaay from heeeere_ ," sniper sang, his rich vibrato and bass voice harmonizing with the spy's. they put their arms around each other.

" _from zhis daaaaaark cooooold hotel room_ ," came medic's tenor voice, playing a violin cadence.

" _and tha endlessness thatcha fear_ ," wept the scout's poignant alto voice

" _yer pulled from the wreckage...of yer silent reverie_ ," cried the engineer's heart-wrenching falsetto soprano.

" _in the aaaaaaarms oooooof aaan aaaangeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellll_ ," everyone on the field chorused together in perfect harmony as raven ascended to heaven. " _may you fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind some comfort heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere_ "

a moment of silence settled in the field, all hats off and against the chests of the mercenaries, watching their wonderful girl rise up. the angels and raven got smaller and smaller until eventually, the tiny dot in the sky became invisible and the clouds disappeared, revealing a clear blue sky and sunny day.

"gahd i'm gonna miss'er," scout choked, breaking the heavy silence putting his hat back on

"who?" heavy asked idiotically

"ya fuckin' cousin, dipshit. how stupid can ya get?"

"she was not my cousin."

"wot tha fock mate?" sniper spat. "yew fockin' sed yesterday that she was your cousin."

"wat is a cousin?" heavy asked slowly, his baby blue eyes more glazed over than terri schiavo's

"oh heavy," everyone laughed, hands on their hips. the studio audience cried of laughter as the ending theme played and the camera cut to the heavy shrugging his shoulders.


	2. a smissmas miracle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little more on the m side here

 

the hot, new mexico sun beat down on the dilapidated wooden tower like a heat lamp would beat down on a stale appetizer in applebee's. the blu sniper was crouched at the top, missing every single shot he took and blaming it on his high ping. in reality, he was honestly just a shit sniper. in a fit of frustration, he threw his rifle to the ground and grabbed a jar of his own urine, chugging it in anger

"oi hate moi loife," he whispered australianly, hot piss dribbling down his bearded chin and beads of sweat forming at his forehead. he then heard a mysterious creaking sound from behind him. kukri in hand, he squatted in wait.

"who's there?" he rasped angrily yet sensually, ready to pounce like a sexy kangaroo, which is an australian animal and it's funny because the sniper is also australian. the red spy melted into view, chuckling frenchly and impressively playing with like three of his knives at the same time or something

"bonjoor, le 'ideous boojman," the france man husked huskily, approaching the handsomely rugged outdoorsman. and by rugged i mean piss-drinking

"wot the bloody hell are yew doin' here, nasty spook?" sniper spluttered, releasing an ungodly amount of spit and piss at the man. for some reason, he hadn't attacked because he'd just never realized before how stupidly hot and sexy the enemy spy was. in fact, with the sunlight streaming in through the window and at his face, sniper could see that the spy was an absolute sex god

"why should i tell you?" spy replied in a french accent so thick he coughed up a beret

"ah, hm. good point, mate."

"oui, i always make good points," he giggled coquettishly, continuing to give himself all sorts of cancer as he calmly placed three cigarettes in his mouth and lit them.

"yah, good point," sniper said coyly, finally wiping the disgusting fucking piss from his lips. took him long enough.

"would you like to...'ow do you say...le make out?" spy proposed sexily, taking his suit jacket off with a flourish and throwing it out the window.

"oi-oi'd love that, m-mate," sniper replied shakily, biting his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. "you don't understand how much i want you insoide of me roight now."

"i zheenk i do," spy said provocatively, tearing his pants off. much to the sniper's delight, he found that the spy had gone commando that day, which filthy fucking french people like him are wont to do. he took out a monster condom and wrapped it around his magnum 15.6-inch dong.

"thassa big dong, mate," sniper said dumbly

"shut up and let me rip you a new one," spy yelled completely in character, tearing the sniper's pants down and bending him over.

"no, ah, no lube, huh?" sniper asked nervously, bare ass thrust in the air

"in france we do not use ze lubrication. zhis will not 'urt much," spy said, ramming his throbbing member of the french parliament into sniper's ripe, lubeless australian outback.

"nyaa-aa!~" sniper arched his back and yelped exactly like a cute anime character, tilde and all. then, as he began enjoying the fun, he began giggling uncontrollably, tears running down his face. "ah, roight in the bloody colon!" he giggled in a very moe manner

"eugh! wot on earhz iz zis brown stuff?" spy screamed in disgust

"jos' some vegemite, mate. don't moind it!" sniper replied in a sexy, carefree, cheerful manner

"you dizguzt me, filhzy jar man!" spy screamed, brutally hatefucking the sniper so hard his eyeballs rolled back into his brain

"aaahhhh, who cares. we're young, bold, n beautiful. yolo!" sniper said like the hip, fun, and fearless cosmo guy of the month he was, grabbing and downing a four loko he found on the floor and taking selfies on his iphone 6 plus and posting them to instagram

"i am young, bold, and beautiful. you are none of zhose zhings," spy hissed, snuffing out his three cigarette butts in the sniper's bare asscheek to make a sick-looking orion's belt constellation of burns. "and if you say 'yolo' one more time, i will ram my penis so far up your arse zhat you'll 'ave foreskin for teeth!"

"but that's the way oi loike it," the sniper giggled, his chin supported by his hands as he stared out the window and into the blue, blue sky, his ass in the process of getting curb-stomped.

 _what a lovely day to feel as though i'm taking a massive reverse shit,_  he thought blithely

"you know, i zhought you 'ated me," spy said offhandedly, casually continuing to pummel the sniper's poop chute with reckless abandon

"nyah. oi did at first, but then oi realized, hey, this goy's a beaut. a real stunnah. and oi thought…i thought, how can oi hate a sex god?" he giggled again

"zis is true," spy said thoughtfully as he finally came and removed his manly instrument from sniper's orifice. "i  _ **am**_  a sex god. i just zhought zat such a...hm, how you say zis, sexy australian man would not be into a free-spirited frenchman such as i."

"well, mate, you're wrong. i am into you. very much, mate," sniper whispered sensually, roughly grabbing the spy's head with both hands. they then violently but hotly mashed lips, which basically sounded like someone fisting a jar of mayo but nobody ever brings up the stupid gross wet mouth noises that happen when two people violently make out. they shared a romantic moment in each other's arms, but then tears began rolling down the spy's cheeks, much to the sniper's surprise.

"wot's wrong, mate?" he said, wiping away spy's tears in a cool, comforting, and sensitive way

"eet iz just zhat...zhis reminds me of my parents, who passed away when i was only just a garcon."

"ah, yes, a garcon," sniper said, suddenly blessed with the ability to speak fluent french. "that stinks. my parents are dead, too, mate."

"i knoooooooooooooow," the spy sobbed, gently resting his head against the sniper's chest and blubbering into his shirt like a baby. he slowly reached for his sunglasses.

"the specs stay awn," sniper barked like a german shepherd

"s-sorry," cried spy.

"there, there, mate." sniper patted spy's spandexed head and kissed the top of it, bringing him close. "s'okay to 'ave a good croy every now and again."

"nobody really loves me," the spy weeped seductively

"...oi...oi love yah," sniper grumbled, making piercing, prolonged eye contact with the spy.

"you love...me? you really do?"

"oi do. madly in love with you, mate. i-it's loike if people were rain, oi'm just a drizzle and you're a-a hurricane."

"i...i love you, too." the roof suddenly blew off the top of the tower and rain began to pour inside, drenching the two damp hunks. they kissed in the rain with such passionate ardor that it was almost as if they were in a john green novel and they were both terminally ill with a month to live

"i'm cold now..." shivered spy, mewling quietly like a small french kitten. "get me ze blanket, desu"

"roight away, spoi-kun," sniper said, tripping over his own two idiot feet and clumsily grabbing the coarse blanket, wrapping it around the two. he then took out his zune and earbuds because he is a wise, cool, and modern man

"maybe some neutral milk hotel will help?" he said in a hip and indie way.

" _snf_. maybe," spy wailed adorably, taking an earbud and placing it in his masked ear and resting his head on the sniper's inviting shoulder and nuzzling him like a kawaii stray neko. they sat in the pouring rain under the same blanket, sopping wet and hopelessly gay for each other

"i-i-i love you, s-sunipero-kun," spy whispered, blushing. "even zhough you are a plebeian who uses a zune."

"oi love you too, spoi-kun. goin' gay for you's the best thing i eva did. that's how bein gay works, innit?"

"hai, sunipero-kun," spy purred, growing ears and a tail and curling up next to his senpai, slowly growing more stereotypically anime by the minute. "nnn~."

"thas roight," sniper growled, suddenly the seme of this clusterfuck of a relationship, nibbling spy's neko ear. "now who's ya daddy?"

"you are my daddy!~" he yelped, somehow fucking managing to pronounce the tilde again

"and don't you forget it!" sniper bellowed, smacking the frenchman's bare ass so hard it turned red enough to pass for a couple of tomatoes. they were about to go for another round of fudge-packing when the red scout walked in.

"ah, wat the hell's goin' awn heah?" he asked bostonly while holding a bucket of kfc like the southie piece of trash he was. this is a hilarious reference because in the valve short movie expiration date, the scout tried to showcase his juvenile methods of seduction by offering fried chicken and then the spy was like no! and he hit the chicken lol do you guys remember that

"gay sex, wanna join?" sniper rasped sexily, smashing a jar of hot piss over his head for dramatic effect

"aw, sure, why not. i've got nothin' betta to do. you guys seem wicked haahtt enough, and besides. i'm the team bicycle!"

"then join in, little lupin," spy said.

"no. lapin. it's fucking lapin. lapin is rabbit in french, not lupin," sniper corrected the native french speaker matter-of-factly, staring straight at the floor with a twinge of anger in his voice. "lupin the third is an anime that debuted as a manga in 1967."

"a damn good one," scout chimed in with a bite of a drumstick.

"oh, right. lapin. well, come 'ere and join in or i'll fuck your muzzher again," spy said with a roll of his eyes

"wait, ya fuckin' my ma too?" scout hollered

"i'm fucking everyone's parents," spy snickered, evilly tapping two fingers together

"my parents're dead," sniper whispered, a lone tear rolling down his scarred cheek

"mine too," spy whimpered, and started crying again

"shut the fuck up, i thought yous was just screwin' the blu scout's ma? ya screwin' my ma too?"

"i'm screwing all moms, i already told you," spy deadpanned through his tears

"aw, shucks," scout sighed, throwing his chicken out the window in bitter defeat

"bloody hell bloke mates who cares, lets jus 'ave a kangaroo outback tony abbott gander at each otha', eh?" said the oh fuck it who else would've said that honestly

"alright. alright, fine, okay. you bettah not make me regret this," scout grumbled, shyly and reluctantly taking his pants off. the two men stared hungrily at this new young fresh meat. right as he was about to take his baseball-printed tightie-whities off, the soldier came in. yes, THE soldier, no it doesn't fucking matter what team he's on, nothing matters

"maggots. what is going on here," he yelled in such a loud angry voice that he almost gave himself an aneurysm

"i'll tell you hwat," the sniper said, putting his index finger to his chin. "that boy don't look roight"

"shut up, commie," soldier said, even though he had nowhere near an actual grasp on the economical concept of communism. "if i didn't know any better, and i don't really, this looks to me like you men are engaging in...in…"

"gay sex," shouted scout

"yes, mm, yes, precisely that. gay sex. and you know how i feel about gays."

"i don't, actually," spy said, clearing his throat. "you've never really been very vocal about your viewpoint concerning lgbt+ relationships. please be respectful of our sexualities"

"shut up, sjw maggot," soldier said, another man hip with the times. what a sight to see in this day and age. "i don't like them. i liked neil patrick harris and then i found out he's gay and now i can't like him because he's gay!"

"well, honestly, if you didn't see that one comin'..." scout said sheepishly

"i didn't..." soldier said in a very in-character way, now in tears. "i fucking bought mezzanine tickets for the latest rendition of hedwig on broadway, too. they're nonrefundable. now what am i going to do"

"there, there," sniper said, gingerly patting the soldier on the back. "try bein' gay with us. it's a jolly ol' good time. no communism involved"

"you promise?" soldier sniffed

"we promise," spy said with a cute and cool smile. what a swell guy

"alright maggot," soldier yelled, taking off his clothes very fast and staring at the sexy naked men around him. "oh yes, now i can see the sexual appeal of naked men"

"now you can go see hedwig and the angry inch at the belasco theatre, starring neil patrick harris as the titular character, mezzanine tickets starting at just $69 at ticketmaster," sniper said with the heartwarming smile of paid advertising

"now i can...now i can. it's a smissmas miracle," soldier whispered, wiping bald eagle tears from his eyes. the team gathered around the window and silently watched the powdery white snow softly fall to the ground as a team of f-14s raced across the sky in the shape of an american flag. it was really magical, take my word for it

"oi love christmas," sniper said to nobody in particular

"yeah," replied whichever one you want

and that, my children, is how the christmas miracle of yaoi was born.


	3. cinderalpha story

 

once upon a late night, ms. pauling was working. she's always working, but this time she was really, really working. like, hard. anyway as she was working she heard a knock on her office door. i wonder who it was

"come in," she said cooly. it could've been a serial killer or something and she'd just told this person to come in. but, friendly reminder, ms. pauling was pretty much your ideal cosmo fun fearless female of the year. if you want to know what dress she was wearing, it was a form-fitting, sexy, light lavender eggplant violet dress with a whisper of puce. or just google 'purple dress'

"ah, hey, it's me, the scout," the whatever-team scout said really quickly, bursting in

"hi, scout, i'm dad," she said

"ah, ahahaha. yous is a wicked funny gal," scout laughed nervously, not sure how to react in the face of a badly-executed dad joke

"true," she said, going back to her work, completely ignoring the scout. this went on in a good half hour of silence, the scout fidgeting like a coke addict without a fix

"do yous eva like the red sox?" he asked awkwardly, because his entire life was literally only baseball ever

"do i...ever...like them? i don't really watch baseball…"

"oh. yeeeeeahh, i wicked figured," he said bostonly.

"you ever wonder why they call some baseball teams 'sox'?" she asked, tapping her pen on her chin in thought. "kinda dumb name if you think about it."

"did yous just insult my sox?" scout asked incredulously, hands on his hips

"no? i just pointed out that it's kind of a weird name."

"you fuckin' take that back," he screamed, his face turning a flattering shade of grape

"uh, alright. whatever, i take it back," she shrugged, looking extremely weirded out and wiping a bit of spit off her face

"good, good, i was, uh, afraid you was a yanks fan or som'in," he mumbled, realizing what a blatant fucking nutcase he'd just been

"...yeah," ms. pauling said, not looking up from her work. this resulted in another ten minutes of painfully awkward silence before the door burst open to reveal the demoman. no wait, nobody gives half a shit about the demoman. never mind, i'll pick a character that people sort of care about

the door burst open to reveal a nervous engineer holding five rotten daisies in his gloved hand

"evenin' ms. paulin'," the texas man said softly and amiably. he softly walked in and up to ms. pauling's desk. he then softly opened his hand and just fucking dropped the miserably wilted flowers on top of her paperwork like an idiot.

"ah gohja sum flahrs," he drawled like a texan who'd just had a debilitating stroke

"i know..." she said disgustedly, gingerly brushing them off her paper and continuing to work

"ah hope y'all enjoy 'em," he whispered, creepily clasping his hands together.

"thanks...eggineer," she snickered. the engineer inhaled sharply and started weeping but nobody cared or saw because he was wearing goggles. at night. indoors. anyway, he was crying because eggineer was what the kids used to call him on the playground before they pantsed him and laughed as he tried to run away and then tripped over his own stupid nerd pants

"eggineer," scout howled, clapping like a large, dumb bostonian seal. "fuckin' classic"

"ah, ah, ah," engineer breathed, trying to hold his shit together and failing miserably

"you are dismissed,  _ **egg,**_ " ms. pauling snapped, throwing a crumpled piece of paper at him.

"yeah, egg, get outta heah," scout said, swinging his bat and sending the sniveling engineer out the open door and into the night. the crowd went wild in the distance

"wow," ms. pauling breathed, thoroughly impressed as she squinted her eyes and used her hand as a mock forehead visor. "you really nailed him."

"yee-yah. i freakin' fuckin' did," scout said, proud of himself. this show of dominance suddenly turned ms. pauling from apathetic ice queen nerd woman to rabidly horny geek succubus. kind of like elsa in frozen. i think

"oh scout," she moaned, ripping her top open and exposing her supple milky white soft bouncy young breasts, "i need you now"

"yeah," he said huskily in a seductive macho alpha way

"as a geek girl i do love your fun-loving yet assertive bostonian attitude," she moaned

"yeah," he rumbled as his velvety voice dropped two octaves and his shirt began ripping from more muscles

"take me now, you man," she screamed hotly

"absolutely." the scout stood up straight and grew impossibly large, twice the size of the heavy. then he ripped ms. pauling's clothes off like a crazed ape

"oh yes," she screamed hotly

"yeah," he said, lifting her with one hand and ripping her clothes off with his other hand. though his body grew bigger, his head stayed disproportionately tiny. that isn't really important to the story, i just thought it would be a nice detail to share

"wow scout, your dong is huge," she swooned. now that is an important part of the story.

"yeah," he said, whipping out his corinthian column of a yogurt-slinger.

"i don't think it's gonna fit," she giggled

"where there's a will, there's a way," scout suddenly roared, slamming his gargantuan, throbbing love muscle into ms. pauling's quivering spasm chasm. immediately, fluids from both parties literally exploded and painted the room a translucent off-white.

"oh my god, scout, that was amazing," she wheezed, her naked body lying limply on the sleazy 70s shag carpet

"i know," he said plainly, picking her up with one hand and gently placing her on her desk on top of her important paperwork that didn't matter anymore

the engineer hungrily watched the entire scene through the window from afar with binoculars because he's a creepy fucking voyeuristic peeping tom weirdo. it was hard making out the details with tears in his eyes, but he'd managed okay...up until that point. the scout looked out the window and had spotted the engineer because he gained night vision and was able to see him. engineer saw scout say something to ms. pauling, and then saw him make direct eye contact with him. engineer promptly soiled himself and began crying uncontrollably again in his own fecal matter as the scout explosively left the office, slamming the door behind him and running full speed towards the bushes

"dog gone dangnabbit darn dog diggity dang it to heck," engineer whinnied to himself like a small, frightened horse as the ground shook ominously. "what in god's green heck am ah gone do?"

" **i'͞ll͡ ͞fu̶cḱi̸n̴g͡ tęl̷l ̷y͏o͜u,͘ ҉yo̸u͟ ҉p͞ie̴c͢e o̡f ̡shi͢t̸,** " exploded the hulk-scout satanically, yanking the engineer into the air by throat with two fingers.

"a-ahh! ah'm sorry! please, don't kill me! i've got a wahfe n kids at home!" he squeaked.

" **n͜o ̕͘y̴̨o͜͡͠u͘͜ ͟d͜o͢͡n̛͠'t̴̛,** " scout said, confused. the engineer did not, in fact, have a wife, nor did he have kids. his ownership of an actual home also seemed dubious

"n-n-no, ah don't. ah wish ah did so ah could have some'in'a dang live for," engineer weeped in a texan manner

"well, why didn'tcha say so?" scout said cheerily, placing him on the ground.

"ah...ah didn't think a-anyone cared…" he murmured sadly.

" _ **you͞ ̀w͘͝a͢͢s̴̡ ̷̧r͡ig͝h̀t̵**_ ,̧" scout laughed maniacally. then he snapped the engineer's spinal cord in half, killing him instantly. he dropped his limp body to the ground and went back to ms. pauling's office to find her still naked and sitting on her desk

"how's my sugah plum doin'," he roared sweetly, flexing his bulging muscles

"mmm," she moaned hotly

"that's what i fuckin' thought," he screamed. they tangoed the whole night long and it was a grand ole time. when the sun rose, however, the scout noticed a change in his body. his voice rose, his body shrunk, and he became much more beta.

the cinderalpha spell had broken with the day.

"i'm gonna pummel the shit outta you," scout yelled as he began returning to normal.

"please do," ms pauling meowed in pleasure

"i-i mean, if you want me to, if that's what you wanna do," he said meekly.  _shit._  ms. pauling instantly lost her woman boner and sat up in alarm

"scout what the fuck. i thought you became an assertive dominant alpha man that would boss me around?"

the scout then decided to take matters into his own shaking hands. do you know what happens when people take matters into their shaking hands? they drop the matters on the floor, that's what happens. and then the matters smash into millions of tiny pieces.

"m-ms. pauling i'm gonna be honest heah. i'm crazy in love with y-yous. you make me go wild. last night was a dream come true. so, h-are you, why don't we, you, we, me...get married?" he spluttered, dropping to one knee. idiot didn't even have a ring lol what a beta

"scout, no. not unless you roid the fuck up and get alpha," she sighed in mild annoyance, putting her clothes on and returning to work as if nothing had ever happened

"nooooooooooooo," scout yelled, dropping his other knee and yelling at the ceiling.

"scout. scout wake up." the scout opened his tired south boston eyes to find the engineer waking him up from his afternoon nap. "you okay, boy?"

"whuhs goinnon?" scout mumbled stupidly

"ya had a bad dream. you were screamin' a whole bunch."

"oh. oops," scout said, getting up. "thanks fah wakin' me up."

"no problem," he said, adjusting his tie.

"whoa, hardhat, the hell is the fancy suit for?"

"i'm goin' to take ms. paulin' out on a date tonight," he said, adjusting his tie. "i've got reservations at  _la good restaurant_."

" _la good restaurant_?" scout exclaimed not only incredulously but also in disbelief. "that's, like, one of the nicest restaurants in the world! it's received nine michelin stars..."

"ahem. ten, actually," engineer corrected alpha-ly, adjusting his tie.

"whoa, wicked ahhsum. how'dja get a spot there? the waitin' list is like fifty miles long."

"scout, ah may be a soft-spoken and amiable texan from bee cave, texas who solves practical problems and likes all things mechanical, and specializes in constructing and maintaining Buildings that provide support to his team, rather than fighting at the front lines. The Engineer's various gadgets include the Sentry Gun, an automated turret that fires at any enemy in range, the Dispenser, a device that restores the health and ammunition of nearby teammates, and Teleporters that quickly transport players from point A to point B...but ah know how to get stuff done," he uttered, with a badass adjustment of his tie.

"yeah," scout sighed, hands in his face. "yeah. ya do. good luck with ms. pauling."

"ah will, thanks. good luck," waved the engineer assertively, adjusting his tie and walking away from the scout and into the sunset

"g-gaaaaaahdspeed," scout sobbed, spiraling into bostonian betadom


	4. a medic and his heavy

_april 20th, 1972_

after dissecting something unimportant, the medic stood boredly in his dark, creepy, filthy operating room that reeked of formaldehyde and doritos. he decided that he was hungry and reached for a snack.

"archimedes, vere are mein snacksen," he asked west-germanly

"i don't know, are you fucking high? i'm a bird you idiot, i can't talk" archimedes said in a birdlike manner.

"ein mighten be," he muttered, burying his face in his blood-soaked, gloved hands. once again the doctor had unfortunately done too many dank weeds.

"wipe the blood off your face you idiot" archimedes yelled

"oh jah, sorry," medic said. he then forgot to do that, and instead continued searching for his special bag of gmo-free gluten-free organic human finger-flavored doritos from whole foods. he found the bag, but he looked inside and saw a few actual human fingers in there instead.

"ah, good enough," he smiled warmly, wholeheartedly crunching into his daily afternoon snack. medic just about finished licking his own gloved fingers when he heard a knock at the door.

"duh is doktor there? heavy need help," heavy said stupidly because he's a fucking idiot

"i'll be righten zere, herr heavy," he said as he rose from his seat and knocked something unimportant over on his way to the door. then he opened the door. then he looked at the mammoth manchild mouthbreather in front of him

"doktor. red face?" heavy breathed dumbly, gesturing at his own face

"oh, vhoops," medic giggled. "i guess it's mein new makeups."

"da. look pretty"

"donkey shame, heavy, donkey shame," medic thanked him, singing and snapping his fingers

"thank for all the boys in rain," heavy giggled dumbly, a feeble attempt at singing the wayne newton classic "danke schoen"

"it's joy and pain, you inbred backvater soviet bumpkin," medic screamed angrily and in character, his face turning even redder as he knocked over several jars of organs in a fit of rage. "not. boys in zhe rain!"

"heavy s-sorry," heavy said shakily, his lower lip trembling. he began to sob because he'd always managed to fuck up wayne newton songs and this occurence was nothing new

medic realized his mistake and felt really bad for yelling at the heavy. basically what he'd just done was the equivalent of asking a toddler to recite a line from the odyssey and then verbally berating it when it could not

"a-ah, no, it's okay, heavy. i got a little carried away zhere, hehe"

"no...heavy never sing wayne newton good. always bad," he roared, tears flowing freely down his stubbled face.

"shh, no no. don't vorry about it, mein liebeling. now sit down, it is time for your daily checkup that i give you for no reason at all," medic assured him, gesturing towards the rusty gurney

"ok" said heavy, not moving

"ok" said medic, gesturing towards the gurney again

"ok" said heavy, staring into space

"ok" said medic, hands on his hips

"ok" said heavy, throwing his massive body onto the bed

"ok" said medic, patting his head

"ok" said heavy, staring at the ceiling

"ok" medic said, taking off his medical jacket and gloves.

"doktor why you take off coat and hand sock?" asked the heavy stupidly

"i vant to be closen to ze human blood. you know how much i loven ze bloods. medic. 43. stuttgart. gay. lover of ze human body. in love with mikhail. viener schnitzel. berlin vall. hitler. BMWs. fascism. large russian people. pretzels. beer. oktoberfest. autobahn," medic said germanly, reciting from memory the sidebar from his tumblr blog

"ok" said heavy, tearing all of his clothes off and revealing his glistening, fat, muscled, naked body

"oOoh," said medic, wiggling his fingers as though he'd just spotted a fresh doughnut. "delicious. don't mind if i do."

"doktor there is no food anywhere"

"ein know," he said creepily, bursting into a fit of laughter. completely fucking blazed, he grabbed a plastic spoon that he got from the local deli and tried to cut the heavy's chest open.

"uh i don't think it work," whimpered the heavy in such a pitiful manner that it was metaphorical for the fall of the soviet union

"oh shit...you're right" medic mumbled slowly, followed by a loud laugh. he threw the plastic spoon across the room and picked up a large, rusty surgical knife, slicing the heavy open in one go.

"ow," screamed the heavy as blood spurted out of his chest cavity

"oops, no anesthesia haha" giggled the medic. he focused his medigun beam on the heavy, who relaxed. then he took every single organ out of the heavy's body except for his brain.

"doktor you took away everything in my body. how i am alive?" asked the heavy, tears running down his face

"uh. shit. vhoops" said the sweaty, nervous medic, who'd fucked up yet again. goddamn it, this is what you get when you try to do surgery stoned off your ass. don't do marijuanas, kids

"put back and please stop," sobbed the heavy. "just say no. be above influence. didn't you sign contract in middle school that said you wouldn't smoke weed?"

"vhat ze fuck? no"

heavy rose from the gurney, still missing most of his internal organs.

"D.A.R.E. was founded in 1983 in Los Angeles and has proven so successful that it is now being implemented in 75 percent of our nation's school districts and in more than 43 countries around the world. D.A.R.E. is a police officer-led series of classroom lessons that teaches children from kindergarten through 12th grade how to resist peer pressure and live productive drug and violence-free lives. D.A.R.E. IS SUBSTANCE ABUSE PREVENTION EDUCATION AND MUCH MORE!" said the heavy

"ah. i see. to resist drugs and violence."

"da"

"i agree. i am sorry for smoking cannabis," medic apologized as he signed a certificate saying he would never do another marijuana again that was also signed by his fifth-grade teacher, school principal, and local police officer. then he returned the organs to heavy's body.

"it ok," heavy said with a sigh. "heavy just worried about doktor."

"ok" said the medic, closing up the heavy's stomach with the medigun. he rubbed his naked belly in a friendly gay way

"heeh eeee that tickles, doktor," giggled the heavy

"i know" tickled the medic. then he leaned down and blew into the heavy's massive stomach as though he were a newborn

"aaaaaaaaoohohohoomph," cried the heavy. "doktor i-i am not baby man…"

"yes you are," medic yelled assertively in between breaths

"ok" heavy said, accepting his infant fate. he attempted to remove the medic's glasses to reveal his striking baby blues.

"zhe specs stay on," medic screamed

"sorry doktor," heavy whimpered quietly

"let me gay pleasure you, herr heavy" medic yelled. as things usually go in these weird-ass stories of mine, you probably know where this is going

"ok" yipped the heavy, his massive elephant trunk of a

you know what, i'm just going to hit the fast forward here. you guys get the idea okay

an hour of intense lovemaking later, the naked mercenaries lay sweaty and in their own fluids.

"zhat was so good, mikhail. never have i had such a good gay romp" sighed the medic, cuddling into his hairy baby bear

"very nicE," heavy blinked awesomely

then ms. pauling walked in, because she doesn't have to open the door, because she's fucking ms. pauling

"frau pauling. how are you?" medic asked in a casually naked way

"turned the hell on," she chuckled nervously, observing the perfectly artistic, intricate display of homosexuality that lay before her. the room was dark, save for a single light above the entangled couple that shone down on them flawlessly.

"we look like sistine chapel," sighed the heavy dreamily

"uh have you ever actually seen ze sistine chapel?" medic asked skeptically

"no," he giggled stupidly

"classic heavy," smiled ms. pauling as the studio audience erupted into laughter and applause.

"would you like to join, ms. pauling?" asked the heavy

"no," yelled the medic. "no frauleins allowed"

"ok" frowned the heavy

"it's okay, i'm fine just watching" smiled ms. pauling. then they went at it again while ms. pauling took "notes" and dodged a few spurts of bodily fluids

"mees pawleen," heavy grunted, "vat writing?"

"oh, just taking some notes," smiled ms. pauling. in reality, she was writing heavymedic yaoi to post on archive of our own dot com and fanfiction dot net, hoping for it to earn more kudos and favorites than her boss' hot and heavy sniperspy fic. they were sort of competitive like that and it was nice

"notes on vat endorphins are released in ze human body when we have sex?" panted the medic as he pummeled the heavy again

"uh…yeah." ms. pauling finished her naughty little lemon and began sketching some nsfw fanart of them to post later on tumblr and deviantart. she'd hoped there was some new stuff in the heavymedic tag when she went home to check. she also hoped her art got more notes on tumblr than the administrator's smutty scoutspy sketch. in ms. pauling's opinion, she was the superior artist and the only reason the administrator got more notes on her art was because she fucking pandered to the fangirls who went apeshit over anything having to do with that pairing

"very interesting," medic moaned

"yeah, yeah.  _stupid fucking scoutspy fangirls. i'll show em_ ," ms. pauling said under her breath, furiously sketching out the spectacle in front of her

"did you say somezing ms. pauling?" medic moaned

"no, keep going. ignore me," she said. she signaled somewhere behind her and an entire lights and camera crew with a craft service table came through, along with a makeup crew. they began shooting the heavy and medic and applying makeup to their faces, while they hadn't even noticed anything amiss.

"great shot, keep going. aw yeah, they're gonna love that," the cameraman goaded, filming the sexy times in front of him.

"no, wait, what? oh my god it's all wrong," ms. pauling yelled, yanking the film camera out of his hand. she began filming the heavy and medic, getting close-ups of all their sweaty nooks and crannies.

"excellent" she said like wayne in wayne's world, pointing the camera at her own face and giving a thumbs-up.

"ms. pauling, i smell coffee and doughnuts. and various other foodstuffs," medic moaned

"you're high, stop imagining things," she screamed

"ah, quite true," medic moaned. they both climaxed and lay on top of each other, breathing heavily.

"alright, cut. we're gold. that's a wrap. everything's in the can. cast and crew party tonight at 8," ms pauling said confidently, dismissing the entire crew. "hohoho, this is perfect"

"vat is perfect ms. pauling?" asked heavy

"you, heavy. you're perfect," she snickered as she left the room.

"thenk you ms. pauling," heavy giggled, petting his naked medic as they both basked in their post-coitus glow


	5. the new pyro

i'd like to dedicate this chapter to natalia from second period pre-algebra becuz she's a TOTAL BITCH WHO FLAMED ME IN THE REVIEWS! fuck you natalia my writing is great and you're just jealous because you got a C in english and i got a B+ so heck off or i'm telling everyone in seventh grade that you don't have ur period yet LOL!

* * *

_the new pyro_

* * *

~*~pyro pov~*~

i am the pyro. and i have a lot of cool secrets.

my entire skin is scar tissue, but i also have red hair and a slammin body and a gorgeous face.

i love fire. i love sex. i love fiery sex.

i'm asian/hispanic/indian/middle-eastern/native american/every other ethnicity that isn't represented by the other eight classes. i had a generic, troubled past with perhaps a few tragedies and/or accidents sprinkled throughout.

today, i joined the red team. and i just so  **happen**  to be female.

so, pay close attention to my haughty and artfully-paced diction. i am a fucking whacko.

~~*~*~*not pyro pov*~*~**~

"so you're the new pyro, huh? hello new pyro, i'm ms. pauling, basically the eyes and ears of this place," ms. pauling said plainly, showing the pyro around the red base. pyro was silent.

"hello. are you there?" she asked, staring into the tinted goggles that hid the person under the mask. pyro nodded solemnly, and was actually busy listening to 'crawling' by linkin park with apple™ earbuds on under her mask.

"good. then here are your instructions," she said, handing the pyro a piece of paper that just said "instructions" on it. pyro gave it a confused once-over before looking at ms. pauling blankly. ms. pauling then cracked up so hard that her face turned red and tears streamed down her face. stabilizing herself on the wall, she cleared her throat and then stood straight, handing the pyro another piece of paper.

"sorry about that," she giggled, and sighed. ms. pauling and her fucking stupid, tired dad jokes. "here are your real instructions." the piece of paper said 'fire' on it in comic sans wordart™, with flames coming off the sides of the letters like something off of a guy fieri shirt.

"hnks" mumbled pyro, looking at the piece of shit in her hands.

"you're welcome. contact me if you need anything." ms. pauling was gone at that point already because who cares this is just shitty beginning exposition let's get to the juicy big brother-esque rom-com-drama

"hjrajkfuapmurphhhhhhhhhhhhhh," said pyro, as the song on her zune™ switched from 'crawling' to 'FNF8F893JF90_&&!_ HJF83WhAt I'vE DuN_ 3', also by linkin park and downloaded from limewire. it took a few times of accidentally getting that soundbite of bill clinton saying "i did not have sexual relations with that woman" before finally finding her goldmine of linkin park songs. ahhh the days of ye olde limewire/napster/kazaa…..,,,...

~*~*~*~*~*pyro POV~*~*~*~~

i really love linkin park and killing things. i think joe ellsworth from the youtube comments on "what i've done - with lyrics" says it best:

joe ellsworth

3 months ago

I once almost drowned my older brother once and I'm not proud of it either but I was stupid and I have a mental disorder that makes me crazy so yeah its like I have a demon locked inside so yeah...

Reply 4

~*~*~*not pyro POV~*~*~*~*~*~*

so the super-cool pyro (girl!) walked into the break room in all her female fiery vagina glory.

"welcome, new pahro," said engineer or whatever. who gives a shit you could swap out this character with another merc and it wouldnt matter

"huddah huh" said the new pyro. she sounded suspiciously…female…

"uh hi, mubmles" said the scout, nervous and also apprehensive of the team's newest mentally unstable weirdo

"привет новый товарищ," said heavy stupidly

"honhon hon, je ne crois pas cette nouvelle idiote de l'équipe!" quipped the spy arrogantly, carelessly throwing seven lit cigarettes behind him and forcefully biting into an eclair, squirting gallons of vanilla cream everywhere

"ich bin berauscht wieder, auch wenn ich sagte, ich würde nie rauchen marihuana," giggled medic, taking a swig of some nasty cocktail of mountain dew, weed, and vermouth. isn't it nice to read these entire lines of poorly-translated foreign languages?

"noice ta meetcha, oim the snoipah of this bloody team. welkam ahboooaahhhd," said the sniper, sipping a trendy little mason jar of his own pee

"huddah" said the pyro, more than a little grossed out! :O (*a/n: i wuld b too! lolz _*)

"uh...i'm drunk! lol," said the demoman, who was drunk. but nobody cares about him so

"hhnnnnrggh," soldier grumbled, pounding his dumb meaty fist against the palm of his other hand. "i don't KNOW about you," he barked, "i don't TRUST you, i can't SEE your FACE, and i don't KNOW how you FIGHT…in fact, i might say that you WALK like a….GIRL! TAKE OFF THAT MASK!"

an awkward pause settled into the room, the pyro sweating under her rubber gas mask. shit.

"...oi dunnoh ware yeh bloody gettin that from," sniper said, licking some stray drops of urine from between his dirt-caked fingers (extra flavor) as he came to her rescue. "yew limey lil cunt, always makin' things up. can't trust a dahm thing yew say anymore."

"shut it, kangaroo!" soldier exploded, hitting his head with the TV remote. "the last thing this team needs is a WOMAN! i am a MENINIST and FAILURE IS NOT an option!"

"you are a wot, now?" coughed spy, breathing out france-shaped smoke clouds with an air of incredulous amusement

"u mot m8? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)" scout mumbled to himself, giggling quietly at his original and funny meme

"shut it, boy," engineer growled, slapping the scout upside his stupid misshapen bostonian head. "i'm gettin' more than a lil sick of yer goddamn *memes*."

"i'm a MENINIST," soldier roared, ripping his team coat open and revealing a shirt that said #MENINIST on it in bold font.

pyro felt waves upon waves of secondhand embarrassment for the soldier, but showed support by clapping and making happy noises anyway. that way he would be sure to believe that she was male, right?

"AH, now THIS ONE knows what's good!" soldier said, smacking the pyro on the back. "would you also like a #MENINIST shirt?"

pyro nodded and cheered, much to the disgust of her teammates who weren't tacky trashbags that took parody twitter accounts seriously

"I THINK i'm gonna like you!" soldier yelled. "i'm now completely convinced that you're an excellent asset to the team." then he smacked his own head with the remote a few more times for good measure before leaving to go terrorize local townspeople for not being meninists. another silence fell in the cramped rec room before the sniper broke it

"so," he said, taking a sip of his own tepid pee, "you're not really a...meninist...ah yew?"

"uh uh," said the pyro, shaking her head no. everyone in the room sighed loudly in relief at the exact same time

"haha, wut, doez dat mean ur a girl?" scout chortled bostonianly. the room fell silent, all 15 eyes on the pyro.

"...uh uh," said the pyro, shaking her head no again. then the whole room cheered like that commercial where that little girl says "¿por qué no los dos?" and the entire nation of mexico goes apeshit over old el paso soft tacos lol that commercial is so wild right haha

* * *

some time later, the pyro decided to shower in the communal showers, trying to be sneaky by going at 2am. she got naked in her room and then casually walked naked all the way to the showers down the hallway. why? because she lacks critical thinking skills and was too absorbed in her zune™ to notice. she got in the stall and turned on the hot water, which felt awesome and great because when does hot water ever feel like shit? like even when it's stupid fuckin hot out people still take hot showers because hot water is the tits

anyway she was rockin out on her waterproof zune™ and listening to a linkin park remix, too in the zone to realize that someone else had come in. her long, wet, shiny, bright red (a/n: ew not like 2010 ariana grande lmao, think like…2009 hayley williams, sort of blood orange that just pops, some lighter orange highlights, hints of yellow kind of. basically just imagine hayley williams! i love paramore and my mom just bought me their latest album on itunes x] haha lol) hair clung to her face, her slender white (of course) body dripping with water.

suddenly, she felt the curtain fly open and she spun around, covering her boobs and vagina with her arms. it was the scout, also standing there completely naked.

"py-py…" he spluttered, calling her his new nickname for her because they'd already become best friends in the span of a day. i don't even know how he knew she was the pyro, but she looked like she could be because fire is sort of the color of her hair, so she was.

"oh crap. it isn't wat it looks like scout!" she yelled.

"what isn't?"

"uh idk…" she said, staring at him. (a/n: i was 2 lazy to put i dont know xP plus it fits her attitude...more…right? "XD)

"hhhh...nacked….boop…" scout spluttered again, ogling her full, wet, perky breasts.

"what the heck are you saying?" pyro said, forgetting that she was naked, hands now sassily on her full hips

"boob," said scout again, slowly reaching his hand out to touch it. he awkwardly squished her right boob exactly once.

"yes," she said

"w-wow…nice..." scout stuttered. "i grew up with 102 mad dog boston brothers. my brothers were dogs. angry bostonian canines. i've never seen a boobs in my life." they looked up at each other and met eyes, suddenly crashing together hotly for a cool hot nice sexy awesome kiss.

"oh, snout…" pyro moaned as they made sweet love under the piping hot shower

"oh py-py…" scout moaned as they made sweet love under the piping hot shower

that night, all was right with the world.

* * *

the next day was a ceasefire day, which are apparently super common and casually peppered throughout the week. in fact, hardly any work gets done around here because most of the time everyone is ostensibly just shooting the shit or doing their own thing and never actually fighting

it was 6am and pyro was sleeping by then. her door unlocked because she's an idiot. the demoman, absolutely trashed, fumbled with the doorknob for a bit before swinging inside and tumbling onto the floor. pyro, a heavy sleeper, hadn't even noticed the wasted scotsman on the floor.

"aaehhh bhbajhbhbhbhbhh kilt haggis bagpipe," he said scottishly, clumsily getting back up. fully convinced he was in his own room, he kicked off his boots and got into bed, ignoring the pyro.

"huhwhat?" said the pyro, finally fucking waking up from her coma. "who there?"

"hot a what baabhabbiat," mumbled the demoman with a belch

"ok," she said, completely okay with that. she turned over and met eyes with him as the sunlight streamed through her window

"pyroh?" he mumbled

"that me yes," she replied, smoothing back her bright red hayley williams hair

"wow...you're…", he mumbled, then belched in her face. "...you're real snexy"

"thanks, haha. u 2!" she giggled, realizing how hot and manly the big demo was. hopefully his pecker was as big as his explosions on the field! ;) (a/n: like his…..p*nis! LOL! OMG susan if your reading this don't tell mom i said that or else i'll tell her what you did with adrien last week! lol! :P)

"isn't this my room?" he mumbled

"no," she said, shyly kissing his scrumpy-soaked lips

"hhh...ok," he said, slowly and sensually making out with the pyro. then they made hot morning love in the magical sunrise.

* * *

later that morning, pyro was in her uniform, watching tv when the heavy walked in.

"hi peepee pyro!" he said stupidly, waving. he walked over to the couch where she sat, grabbed the remote, and changed the channel to yo gabba gabba.

"huddh" she said happily, sitting on his lap because he wanted to sit on the couch and he was so big he took up the whole fucking thing

"pyro is very light," he said, patting her head dumbly.

"yhhh"

"if heavy did not know better, heavy would think pyro is…" he snickered, covering his fat russian cakehole with his equally fat hand, "...girl."

"uhhh…" pyro said nervously.

"wat, is pyro really girl?" heavy joked, giggling.

"uhhh…" pyro said nervously.

"pyro is really girl…" heavy said, skeptically

"uhhh…" pyro said nervously.

"pyro is really girl?!" heavy said, shocked.

"uhhh…" pyro said nervously.

"pyro is really girl!" heavy said excitedly

"crap. you got me," she said, taking off her mask and shaking her long shiny beautiful red hayley williams hair about.

"wow. pyro...hh...hot. beautiful," heavy said, his eyes glazed over, petting the pyro's hair like how lenny pet his dog in *of mice & men* (except he killed it...LOL!)

"ow"

"sorry," he said, "heavy just shy. pyro is so gorjus!"

"haha, thanks," she giggled, wrapping her arms around heavy's thick-ass tree trunk neck and hoisting her twig legs over his fat lap. heavy could not deny in his own small pea brain that he was immensely turned on by the display in front of him.

"...isnt suit very heavy on pyro?"

"hm…now that you mention it, heavy…" she said saucily, slipping the heavy fire-retardant suit off of her slender, naked frame.

"ahhh this is more like it!" heavy bellowed hornily, diving in to make out with the pyro. she opened her mouth wide, but he opened his wider and practically ate her face off.

"mmphhp mpphpmmhp!"

"oh, sorry pyro. was a leetle hungry. hehe." heavy then yanked down his pants and revealed a massive manhood that rivaled the demoman's. "heee's coming for you! yatatatatatatatatatatatatata dooboodahbodehboodahboodah kaa-BOOM!"

"oh yes!" pyro cried, her womanhood warmly accepting the russian army like afghanistan in the 80s

the rest, as they say, was communist history.

* * *

"hm...ah thiyunk ah can cut a wahyre here. that would ruhduce the sentry's power load by 12%!" the engineer exclaimed texanly, working on improving his sentry in his dimly-lit lab on his day off like a fucking shitnerd.

"huddah huh!" the pyro said, knocking on the doorframe and letting herself in rudely. but they were already best friends because pyros and engies are always best friends! pybros for life! :)

"huh? oh hai pahro! what're you daggone ding-dong doodley-dang doin'?" engineer asked, getting up and doing a square dance

"huddah!"

"yeeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaw! that's what ah thought!" he cried, plunking a white ten-gallon hat on his baby-bald head and lassoing himself a texan-fried donut from across the room with the cord on his tool belt.

"hh...huddah huh...hdhaduhdhadhunedh?" pyro asked, wondering if she could trust the engineer with her most burdensome secret of gender. the secret was beginning to be too much to bear. how could she possible hide something like that from six of her teammates?

"of course, pahro! yew kin tell me anythang!" engineer sang, strumming on his guitar on his rancho relaxo chair. pyro gazed at this sexy display for a long time. the engineer was wearing a wifebeater under his overalls and workboots, his thick, strong arms coated with a sheen of sweat from a day's work. his goggles were on his head, showcasing his beautiful, red-orange-colored eyes. he was the only person on the team with them and pyro had never seen them before, so she found herself becoming wetter by the second at the sexy intelligent southern cowboy laborer in front of her with eleven hard science PhDs. she finally doffed her mask and shook her hayley williams hair about her, eliciting a grunt of surprise from the sexy intelligent southern cowboy laborer in front of her with eleven hard science PhDs.

"gud NAGHT ah-RAIN!" engineer said, raising his eyebrows. "yer a...woman!"

"i am," pyro said, sexily blinking back tears. she'd hoped this wouldn't cause him to think any less of her, as they were best friends.

"oooh, pahro, if i wun't married i'd be in mah raght mahnd tah pounce raght on ya!"

"y-you're married?" pyro asked in thinly-veiled disbelief. damn, she'd been hoping to bed the sexy intelligent southern cowboy laborer with eleven hard science PhDs. she licked her strawberry lips as her lady parts began to tingle at the prospect of a deliciously hot texan fuck. her heart pounded in her ears, her thoughts clouded over, and the only thing she could focus on was the thought of him solving her like he would a second-order linear partial differential equation.

in other words, despite the fact that they were close buddies, she wanted nothing more at that moment than his sexy intelligent southern cowboy laborer dick with eleven hard science PhDs.

and the engineer knew that the sciences in which he majored were not the only things that were hard.

"weeeeyul, ahrene's been ded for 'bout ten yeayurs now. ah dunno…" he said, in deep thought. though his wife had died, and the pyro was like a brother to him, engineer remembered there was nothing wrong with fucking your brother in the state of texas, especially if he is a she, and she's hot, and not even genetically a brother. so why not?

"ah, blast it. whut better way to move on than to do it with a fiery, beautiful redhead who's also an awesome woman?" he said, closing up his rancho relaxo chair and tentatively making his way towards this young, tough, yet nubile woman.

"there's none better," she whispered in heartfelt manner, biting her full lips, red like that of the reddest apples, shining in colors of the cheeks of a snow-country child. they kissed gently and the engineer led her to the back of his lab where they had hot sweaty soft-spoken amiable texan buffalo wild wing sex on top of his blueprints and eleven hard science PhDs.

* * *

the time was now five in the evening as the exhausted pyro trudged around the outdoor property of the RED base, looking for something to do in the blistering, arid desert of new mexico. she spotted the sniper's tower from afar and decided to chat with him. though he was a loner and not one much for conversation, perhaps she could convince him that he needed some company.

she climbed the ladder to the tower to see that he was there, despite today being a ceasefire day. and he was drinking his own piss. again. pfft, typical kiwi.

"wot're yew dewin' up heah, poiroh?" sniper asked, pulling his aviators down to face the muffled pyromaniac.

"huddah huh."

"oi can't undastand a woid yuh sayin'. suppose it's bettah that woy," he said new zealandly, putting down the dirt-encrusted jar of pee and peering into his rifle's scope once again.

silence settled in between the two as the nymphomaniac pyro gazed at the sniper. besides the piss-drinking, the more she stared at his lithe, slender, well-built figure, the more aroused she became. a man as attractive, sharp, and aloof as he...what a sex god. but she had to keep her secret, because it wouldn't be good if she were found out.

why? who knows. but, for sure, keeping such a heavy secret weighed heavily on the pyro's shoulders.

"mpphh mphhh?" pyro asked, wondering if the sniper minded if she put on some tunes.

"sure, wotever," sniper said absentmindedly, not understanding what the pyro had said. with that, she whipped out her zune™ and began loudly blasting "thanks for the memories" by fall out boy, startling the sniper into pulling the trigger of his rifle and releasing a stray shot. she peered at him through her goggles, wondering how he would react.

"bloody hell! i-is that...fawl out boi?!" he exclaimed. pyro decided that she could keep her secret no longer from her newfound acquaintance and hesitantly removed her mask.

"i'm pyro. i'm female. i love fall out boy," she said confidently, the dusky desert wind sweeping her hayley williams hair about.

"wot now?" sniper asked, taking his glasses off and admiring the pyro's gracefully scarred beauty.

"u mirin', brah?" pyro asked, unzipping her suit and flexing her guns.

"i mite fuarkin be. sick gains, brah," sniper said, kissing his arms and flexing his own abs like a member of the misc section of forums dot bodybuilding dot com

"whoa. nice, brah. and yeah, that was fall out boy," she said, in a shy yet cute way.

"oi...oi lahve fawl out boi tew. eva since oi was a lad," sniper reminisced, "oi've held them close to moi haht. oi even saw em on tour in new zealand. pete wentz even soigned moi rifle, see?"

"w-wow, that's really amazing." pyro murmured, staring at the sniper, the air filled with tension that soon turned to relative ease.

"so...yew wanna wotch me snoipe?"

"i thought this was a ceasefire day," pyro said.

"it is," sniper explained. "oi jus like tew practice, y'know."

"i know."

an awkward silence filled the small area again, as the pyro watched the sniper shoot targets from afar. not before long, she began gently petting his back as he sniped, hoping to get him to relax a bit more.

"when was the last time you've...been with a woman?" pyro asked, her voice deeper and totally sexier as her boobs popped out from under her tank top a little bit. she took off her suit because shes sexy

"uh, er...three. oi'un rememba," sniper said quickly and embarrassedly, his face turning a shade that matched his shirt.

"three what?" pyro asked.

"OI'UNNO," sniper snapped, his face now so red that it turned slightly blue. "that's a very personal question, yew know."

"oh, baby, i know," pyro said with a wink, tugging the hem of her shirt up. she slowly began stripping, brushing parts of her smooth, slender body up against the sniper. she was soon only in her bra and panties.

"oimavign," sniper spluttered, dropping his gun and feeling the metaphorical spaghetti leaking from his pockets.

"hm?" moaned pyro, sticking her tongue out and slipping her bra strap off her shoulder.

"OI'MAVIRIGNJ," he screamed, his face now purple.

"oh, sweetie, are you alright?" pyro asked, leaning over and gently stroking the sniper's face.

"NnnhhooOOOHHhh," he screamed, his heart racing.

"what's wrooong?" pyro asked, wrapping her arms around the distressed man's neck and grinding up against him. he trembled, shaking like a leaf that's never had sex before nor been so close to a naked woman that was not its mother.

"yew, yew don't have any clothes on," he growled, panting and trying to not have a stroke. his nose began dripping blood.

"oh, hon, is your nose bleeding?" pyro asked with a small smile. "it's like an anime or something."

"oi...oi love animay," sniper whimpered, thinking of his waifu hatsune miku-chan

"well, baby, i'm here and i'm *better* than anime," pyro whispered fiercely, ripping off her bra and exposing her large, supple tiddies

"oh...y-y-y-y-y-yes, p-p-p-p-p-poiro-chan," sniper stammered in disbelief. he'd pitched such a tent that he could've literally started a campfire and called it a night in the woods.

"someone's hungry," she moaned, nibbling his ear. he screamed.

"OIM A VIRGIN, OLROIGHT?" he yelled, near tears.

"oh, i know. it's no problem, sugar. i'll help you out with that," pyro said sexily, as they both sunk to the floor. she wrapped her naked legs around him and their lips met in an explosion of lust and new zealand virginity as "thanks for the memories" by fall out boy blasted in the background. the two made beautiful emo love from the evening into the night.

* * *

a few days later, after the pyro proved that she could hold her own on the battlefield, she was called into the medic's office.

"ogh, herr pyro!," called medic gayly. i needen to zee youz!"

"huddh huh," said pyro, strolling into the medic's office.

"i'm giving you a czheckup because zhat's my job," he said, giggling from all the weed he'd smoked that day. "now, off wid zat mask!"

"nhrh," pyro said disapprovingly, crossing her arms and staying put.

"tch, don't be silly," medic tutted sassily, sassily putting his clipboard down on his sassy desk and sassily crossing his sassy arms. "i'm going to need you to take off zhat mask."

"nhrh," repeated pyro.

"fine, if zhat's ze wey you want it," medic sighed sassily, sassily grabbing the top of her mask and sassily pulling it off himself. pyro looked up at him with alarm.

"how could you?" she exclaimed, tears in her eyes. he'd violated her super-secret secret that she'd been trying so hard to hide all this time

"i-i-i-i-i-i…" medic spluttered. then he began laughing hysterically.

"what's so funny?" pyro snapped, narrowing her eyes.

"i'm zo zhrilled to finally have a girl friend!" medic yelled flamboyantly, throwing a pink feather boa around his neck.

"you're gay?" pyro asked, surprised.

"like omg, totes girl," medic said in a gay german way. "i won season drei of rupaul's drag race, fraulein. i zink i know fabulous."

"ahmahgah!" pyro squealed, putting her palms to her cheeks. "you can be my gay best friend!"

"LIKE TOTALLY!" medic screamed, really loudly. he started laughing maniacally, flipping his boa about and knocking down medical equipment in his lab.

"omg but like who're you fucking tho?" pyro asked in that really gossipy voice you hear from white girls at starbucks who give you dirty looks (COUGH NATALIA COUGH!)

"ach, nobody," medic said, trying to maintain a poker face and failing spectacularly

"oh come oOOon," pyro said, rolling her eyes. "these guys are like, heavenly. you've gotta be fuckin' at least, like, one."

"fine. don't tell anyone," medic whispered, leaning in. "i am fucking ze heavy."

"omg like GET OUT," pyro said, pushing the medic lightly on the chest. "i just fucked him a few days ago!" the medic started laughing hysterically, tears streaming down his dumb kraut face.

"...aren't you mad at me?" pyro asked

"of courz not, frau," medic giggled, wiping tears from his eyes. "ze heavy is too stupid to have a sexuality! he does not know better!"

"that explains it," pyro said, nodding and sipping her coffee. the two gossipped heavily about the team while listening to avril lavigne for the rest of the entire fucking day. how two people can gossip about six weirdos for an entire day is beyond me, but that's what they did i guess

* * *

"i can't believe we lost…" the scout sighed as the team trudged in from their recent slaughtering

"it waz ze pyro's fault," the spy said cooly, letting out a puff of smoke.

"whhr? hrr ws t mrr frlht?" pyro shouted

"oh pleez," spy said, rolling his eyes as they walked into the living room of the team base. "you know what you did. useless to ze team, as alway."

the rest of the team members had headed to the kitchen to eat, which left the pyro and spy standing in the living room.

"im nhhrt ushhrlrs!" pyro screamed, further muffling her speech.

"o hon hon hon baguette," spy snickered, patronizingly tapping the pyro's mask. "i cannot understand a word you zay. who knows what is under zat god-forzaken mazk of yourzzzzzzzzzz," he said with a snarl.

with that, the pyro grabbed spy by the wrist and led him outside into the sunset.

"wot are yoo dooing, you fool," spy grunted, lighting another cigarette even though he wasn't even close to finishing his current one. the pyro peeled the mask off of her face and revealed her beautiful features and hayley williams hair. though the spy didn't show it on his face, he thought she was an absolutely stunning gorgeous beautiful magnificent dove holy angel creature.

"and wot iz ziz? you are a womahnnn? o hon hon hon," the spy cackled. "zhat is rich."

"i am," the pyro affirmed, her voice like sexy butter

"if you zhink you are just going to get your way by having relations wiz me, you've got anozzer zhing coming for you, wench," the spy smirked

"i'm not a wench. and i'm not going to have sex with you. i don't even want to," she lied. the spy looked at her in mild surprise.

"oh really, mahdamawazelle?" he said in a low, throaty sexy french voice into her sexy ear. "you don't want to have zeckz wiz-a me?"

"...no," pyro hissed, her cheeks burning red and her panties becoming less and less dry

"zuit yourzelf," the spy said cockily, playing with his butterfly knife. "i'll be wizz ze team." with that, he disappeared from view and made his way into the kitchen. the soldier was out buying milk at 7-11 because they had run out of milk and the scout really liked milk so he had to have it i guess

"bonjour everyone hon hon," spy said frenchly as he walked in

"bonjour spy," said everyone (but soldier) in monotone

"did you all know zat ze pyro iz a GURL?"

"yes," everyone (but soldier) said in monotone

"wot," the frenchman said, scratching his stupid french head.

"uh yeah, we're goin to the battin' cages next sunday!" piped up the scout

"i'm teachin' 'er 'ow to make haggis this thursday," belched the demoman

"yo gabba gabba tonight," said heavy, giggling and shitting himself

"i'm takin' 'er to muh TED talk next wednesday!" the engineer yelled, munching on cornbread

"we're gonn' go see  _the interview_  tomorrow noight," mumbled the sniper

"i'm taking her to zhe local bear club on zaturday nacht!" medic hollered, throwing back an appletini and shaking his big gay stuttgart hips. "whoOOOoOoooooo!"

"you all are friendly wiz ze pairo already?" spy gasped, his dumb french eyes darting from teammate to teammate.

"ye, she's p chill dude," scout shrugged, doing a line of coke off of his arm

"impossible," spy said, storming out of the room in tears. he turned on his zune™ and blasted "complicated" by avril lavig (a/n: luv dat song! wooo!)

"hwy you got to go and make zhings zo complicated…" the spy sang sadly, brooding and walking quickly to his room. unfortunately, he bumped into none other than the pyro, who was

also on her zune™.

listening to complicated.

by avril lavig.

pyro looked at the spy's screen and saw that they were listening to the same song. then she looked up at him and they met eyes in a tense, hot, sexually-charged explosion

"ugh, you're so fake," snapped the spy, rolling his eyes. (a/n: lol this me 2 natalia rn!)

"YOU'R MOM'S FAKE," screamed the pyro, pushing him and running to her room with tears in her eyes. the spy watched this spectacle with tears in his eyes as well, and then slammed the wall with his fast.

"zho much for my 'appy ending," he sang, hoping that the pain that came from hitting the wall would dull the pain he felt in his heart. he decided that wasn't working out so well for him, so he went up to her room to try and apologize.

"pyro i am sorry for calling you fake," spy said, walking into her room to see her crying into her pillow

"get out, loser" she sobbed

"ok" said spy, on his way out. then he turned back around and shook his head. "look, pyro, i am sorry. maybe we can listen to avril lavinge togezzer."

"u rly mean this?" pyro sniffled, looking at him.

"i rly mean this" spy said, sitting down next to her and reluctantly putting his arm around her shoulder

"cool," said pyro.

then they made hot punk rock sex while listening to sum 41 and blink-182 and dead kennedys and linkin park and bad religion and paramore and green day all at the same time ok sorry mom i'll get off the computer god it's only 10:23 you never let me stay up like all my other fr

* * *

"i can't believe the cashier said she wasn't a meninist," soldier yelled as he burst through the front door with the 7-11 milk

"no one gives a cuntin' heck mate," sniper hummed, reading the paper with his daily cup of piss-laced coffee

"nobody ASKED you, pinko!" soldier screamed so hard his face turned blue and the veins in his head popped out

"hey guys what's goi…on…" pyro said, coming downstairs in nothing but the spy's white dress shirt.

"WHO in god's GREEN HECK is THIS WOMAN!" soldier erupted, so hard that both of his kidneys ruptured

"oh, fine," pyro said, rolling her eyes. it wasn't like keeping her secret was easy, don't judge her. "i'm the pyro. i'm a woman. happy?"

the soldier stared at her for a long time, remembering that she was a valuable teammate and that her ability to be an asset to RED was not dependent on her gender.

"i've learned my lesson," the soldier grumbled sternly, rubbing the back of his red neck. "i shouldn't judge a woman's ability to be useful based on her gender." as he said this, the sniper spit his coffee out in surprise all over his newspaper

"wow, really? thank you, that's a really nice thing to say, soldier," pyro said with a grin

"JUST JOKING BITCH" he yelled, taking his helmet off and throwing it out the window. with a war cry, he picked up a folding chair and smacked it against his own head, causing him even more brain damage and knocking him out.

"oh, you meninists," pyro said amusedly, putting her hands on her hips with a knowing smile. she went over to him and picked him up by his shoulders, dragging him outside. when she came back inside, she sauntered over to the sniper and sat down next to him.

"yew still wearin' that spook's shoirt," the sniper said, chuckling darkly because he's sorta emo like that ;) haha

"i don't have to be," pyro said, biting her plump bottom lip and giving the sniper bedroom eyes

ok you know how this ends she has more sex with all the hot men :) and they all loved and cherished pyro in a healthy polyamorous relationship except for dumb stupid irrelevant misogynist soldier and awesome gay best friend medic

THE END!

* * *

(a/n: natalia i swear to jesus christ my lord and savior if you flame me again i'm telling everyone at school that your idiot alcoholic mom spiked the january bake sale cupcakes with vodka and gin and adrien ate nine and that's why he ended up in the emergency room BITCH! go listen to justin bieber you fake skank!)

 


End file.
